Wednesday, 31 December 2014

The Three Employees

8.  The Best Clients
Lunch time in office
Employee One: Have you guys ever seen a tax raid? That’s one experience I’ll never forget. One of our clients in the place I used to work before faced an Income Tax raid. It was splendid! They were so cool! They came in a car with nothing to show where they were from. They flashed their ID for just a second at the gate keeper and walked in without a word. Half an hour later they walked out the same way with all the client’s books and accounts.
Employee Two (surprised): They just walked out? ...With all the books of account? ...All?
Employee One: Yes. The client couldn’t do anything. He just stood by and watched. Later he was issued a notice. My pervious Boss, he was smarter than the department. Thanks to him the client didn’t have much of a loss.
Employee Two (still surprised): But they took all the books? And they left the same way they came?
Employee One: Yes, Anything wrong with that?
Employee Two: Yes, How did they carry all the books from the client’s place to their office?
Employee One: In a suitcase.
Employee Two (bragging): So your old boss had only small clients! Ha-Ha. I can’t believe that all the books of account fit into a suitcase! In the place I used to work before we took only big clients, clients with a large turnover. You should have seen the number of files they used to keep. One of them had faced an Income Tax raid too. They had to call a truck to carry away all the books they seized. A truck, can you believe it?
Employee One (softly): No. I certainly can’t believe it.
Employee Two (proudly): Can you imagine his turnover and the fees we charged for getting him out of the mess?
Employee One (laughing): No-no. What I meant was I can’t believe that there are such fools! Was it just that client or did your old boss have more fools on his client list?
Employee Two: What do you mean?
Employee One: First of all, when the tax inspectors came to raid why did he have to put all his books in front of them? He could have hidden away a few! Ok, maybe he was an honest fellow! But then a truck load of books?! He had a truck load of books in his office! That’s foolish. Who keeps a truck load of books and files? Isn’t that just waste of space? Just by having more space in office he could have had an even bigger turnover.  In the space used by the truck load of old files he could have had ten more sales persons! Did all your old clients have truck loads of files? They were very out dated. This is the era of computers. You should have advised them to have their account books and documents digitised. That day the only thing they carried away in their suitcase was a DVD. There’s another advantage of digitisation, all the seniors at the tax department are old men they don’t know how to dig deep into computerised accounts, but give them a hard copy, that would be the end of you!
Employee Three: I haven’t worked anywhere else nor have I seen a tax raid but I can tell you the clients we have here are the best. Let the department try as much as it wants, raid for as long as they like but they won’t find a single thing against any of our client’s! Some of them have half their accounts computerised and half on paper but most of them don’t have any accounts at all!

-Ashok Sri Krishna

Monday, 8 December 2014

The Three Employees

7.  Hospitalized
At hospital reception
Employee Three: I would like to see doctor S. Is he free right now?
Receptionist: Is the matter serious?
Employee Three: err...Yes...it’s quite serious.
Receptionist: Wait one minute sir I will arrange everything.
At office
Boss (angrily): He’s late again. Did anyone call him? What silly excuse did he have this time?
Employee Two: I called sir. But he didn’t answer.
Boss: Don’t tell me he’s still in bed.
Employee One: His phone sir, someone’s answered. (On phone) Yes hello...who is this? Who?  ... What?  ... Really?  ... When?  ... Is it serious? ... He said so himself?  ...
Employee One: He is at KK Hospital sir. He’s been admitted into the ICU.
Boss: What?! What happened? Is it serious?
Employee One: Yes sir. It’s quite serious. Apparently he said so himself.
Boss (angrily): Do you want me to shout at you or will you tell me what happened?
Employee One: He went to KK Hospital this morning sir. He wanted to see doctor S. He said it was serious. They admitted him immediately and are conducting various tests. They were worried about whom to contact, when we called.
Employee Two: Doctor S? He’s a heart specialist. How serious did they say it was?
Boss: He smoked a lot didn’t he? How many times had I warned him! Lets go, he may need our help.
At the ICU
Employee Three: Good Day sir.
Boss: Good Day, what happened?
Employee Three: I don’t know sir. I really don’t know!
Boss: You look alright. How are you feeling?
Employee Three: I’m feeling fine sir.
Boss: How can you feel fine when you have ended up in an ICU? They say it’s serious.
Employee Three (worried): Really sir? Am I going to die?
Employee One: What do you mean? Don’t you know what’s wrong with you? They said you came yourself to see doctor S and you said it was serious.
Employee Three: It’s my sister’s marriage next week. I came to invite doctor S. They were friends in school I wanted to surprise her.
Boss: What?!
Employee Two: Then why did you say you were serious?
Employee Three: She asked me if it was serious and I said it was so. Come on, marriage is quite a serious thing. So is finding old school friends and arranging a surprise.
Employee Two: Then why did you get admitted?
Employee Three: I already told you, I don’t know. The moment I said it was serious she made me sign a lot of forms and took away my credit card. Then I was surrounded by a few male nurses, they got me on to a stretcher and took me into all sorts of rooms all around the hospital. I don’t know how many tests have been performed. Then they gave me a bed here and asked me to sleep till the reports arrive. They even gave me a sweet tonic!
Boss (angrily): Fool! Get out of here and get back to work!
Employee Three: I can’t sir. Apparently there is something seriously wrong with me!
Boss: What?
Employee Three: They are shifting me from this cardiac ward to the mental ward! One of my brain scans showed that my intelligence is so low that it is a miracle I survived in the modern world for so long! They want to perform further tests to see how longer I can survive!
Employee One: But why did they scan your brain? Even though they misunderstood your visit, you had come to see a heart specialist, why scan your brain for that?
Employee Three: Don’t you know this is a multi-speciality hospital? Even if you come in with just a cold they scan every inch of you!!
Boss: Fools that’s what they are. They needed a scan to tell them that you are an idiot!

-Ashok Sri Krishna

Saturday, 9 August 2014

The Three Employees


6.   Smoking
 Boss: …According to me there is nothing as harmful to health as smoking. You may say the effects of alcohol are worse but alcohol destroys only the person who drinks. Smoke is harmful to the smoker as well as those around him. Time and again I have advised you about the bad effects smoking has on health. You three were heavy smokers when you joined office. I had asked you to stop. If not possible in one go to slowly bring it under control and stop gradually. I hope you took it seriously and are making progress to that effect? It’s for your own good.
 Employee One: I controlled my habit sir. I now smoke only on special occasions like parties or when I meet old friends. It’s long since I last smoked.
 Employee Two: Me too sir. I used to smoke five a day. After your advice I reduced it to five a week, then two a week and now I smoke only twice a month, on the first and last day. Soon I’d stop that too.
 Employee Three: Now days I smoke only when I’m depressed sir.
 Boss: Oh, that’s good progress, given that you are carefree and cheerful most of the while. It must have been long since you last smoked?
 Employee Three: No sir, I smoked two on the day before.
 Boss: What?! But you were happy and smiling all day. What got you depressed enough to smoke two?
 Employee Three: I saw a movie sir.
 Boss: Which movie?
 Employee Three: Ringmaster.
 Boss: But that’s a comedy. What scene from ringmaster got you depressed?
 Employee Three: First they showed a documentary sir. They showed many people crying, sick rooms and cancer wards. It got me so depressed that I left the hall immediately for two quick shots.
 Boss: What documentary?
 Employee Three: The health department’s ‘smoking leads to cancer documentary’!!
-Ashok Sri Krishna

The Three Employees


5.  Promotion
 Employee One: This is not fair sir. We do our work and achieve targets better than him yet he’s the one you chose to promote.
 Boss: What are you talking about? No one is getting promoted.
 Employee Two: Don’t try to fool us sir. He told us himself. He was so happy about it.
 Employee One: He even said he’s getting his own personal cabin.
 Boss: We never talked about promotion. All I said to him today was about cleaning the office. Call him here, let me get to the bottom of this right away.
*
 Boss: I hear you have been going about claiming about having got promotion, what’s it all this about?
 Employee Three: Well, isn’t getting a room to yourself sort of like promotion?
 Boss: When did I say you could have a cabin of your own? All we spoke today was about cleaning the office.
 Employee Three: You did ask me to move all the old files and other useless things to the small room beside the bathroom.
 Boss: So?
 Employee Three: Everyone in office calls me a useless joker. So isn’t it fair that I move to that room myself?! But there is a problem sir. Most of the files and things in office are old and useless. I have moved them to the room but there isn’t enough space for me to set my table. We’ll need a bigger room!
 Boss: You *** ***. Get out before I lock you in there with those files.
-Ashok Sri Krishna

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

The Three Employees

4.  Two Birds With One Stone

 Everyone had gathered in the conference room.
 Boss: …so the profit is going to be quite high this year. Now, as I said, I don’t want to show a high profit and pay away a lot as taxes. So any suggestions on how to bring it down a little?
 
 Employee One (after a lot of thought): The old car sir; lets sell it real cheap and buy a new one in its place. That way we can write off the loss on sale of car to the profit and also claim depreciation on the new car.
 
 Employee Two: If you’re buying something buy new computers. The systems we use now are really outdated. Of course we can sell the old systems and charge the loss on sale to the profit. The depreciation claim will be higher too in case of computers.
 
 Boss (slightly irritated): Well, what do you want to buy?
 
 Employee Three: I don’t think this buying and selling will work sir. I’m sure the tax officer will be able to see right through our scheme. If we want to dress up a profit and loss account the best thing would be to go to the professionals about it.
 
 Boss: Ah, someone is talking sense at last! Well, what do you suggest we do?
 
 Employee Three: You should meet a Chartered Accountant, sir and discuss what we can do to raise the profit a little.
 
 Boss: Raise? You mean reduce.
 
 Employee Three: No sir I mean raise. If you spend two hours with a Chartered Accountant he will raise a splendid bill for consultancy fee. When we charge that to the profit it will be so low that we will be worried to bring it back to normal. So instead of taking a second consultation and a second bill for asking how to raise the profit it would be better off to ask in the first consultation itself about raising the profit. We can follow his advice after we have reduced the profit by charging his bill. It’s hitting two birds with the same stone.
 
 Boss: Splendid! How did you think of this? All this while I was thinking that you were the most silly of the three!
 
 Employee Three: Experience sir. Yesterday I heard you talking on phone about high profits and guessed what the discussion would be about today. I thought I would impress you with good suggestions to bring down profits and met with a Chartered Accountant. We spoke a lot. I didn’t understand most of what he said but do you know how much he charged me for the hour? You’ll be shocked!
-Ashok Sri Krishna

The Three Employees


3.   Robbed

 Boss (Looking into the Muster Roll): He’s late again. He’s been coming in late ever since his marriage and he comes with all sorts of lame excuses. What’s it this time?
 Employee One: This time it’s serious sir. He’s at the police station.
 Boss (Shocked): What?!
 Employee Two: He’s been robbed sir. He’s gone to file an FIR.
 Boss (being relieved and concerned): Oh really… One of you could have gone to help him. Do you know what happened?
 Employee Two: It was his greatest nightmare sir. In a way he was expecting it. He was always worried about being robbed. He lives in a small one BHK apartment. It isn’t such a clean, calm and peaceful area; surrounded by all sorts of people. He was worried about something like this.
 Employee One: His luck was changing sir, with marriage. His mother and uncles had gifted him many valuables; old family heirlooms, jewellery, some antiques and some cash. His wife had brought a lot as dowry too, though he had refused. He was finally hoping to see better times.
 Employee Two: This of course got him more worried than he already was. He went out of his way to prevent a robbery. He took all sorts of precautions. He brought a mini locker and a dog. He was planning to shift to somewhere better soon but for the time being he was satisfied.
 Afternoon…
 Employee Three: Good Day Sir. Sorry I’m late. I was at the police station…
 Boss: I know they told me. So how did it go? Any progress? Did you have any suspects? Did they make you pick from their usual crime records or did they make a sketch?
 Employee Three: Suspects? Sketch? Why make a sketch when I had a photo?
 Boss (Surprised): You mean, you know who robbed you? You saw the thief?
 Employee Three: Yes of course I saw.
 Boss: How did you get a photo? Do you have CC TV Cameras at home?
 Employee Three: No, I had a photo all along.
 Boss: What do you mean?
 Employee Three: It was my wife sir, she’s gone and she took my dog! He was a good breed sir, a trained watch dog! He was worth about twenty five thousand.
 Employee Two: You mean to say your wife ran away with your dog?!
 Boss: Well, at least you still have all the valuables and your money.
 Employee Three: I hope so sir.
 Boss: What do you mean?
 Employee Three: Sometimes I forget sir, so it was my wife who had the password to the locker!
-Ashok Sri Krishna